A new month! February is a month I like. I love Valentine’s day, with all its kitsch commercialism ( and before you start I know you don’t need a special day to say I love you, but it’s fun), I love the snowdrops, and first shoots of daffodils, and seeing the new brightness in the sun as we move towards spring. I feel like I’m peeping out of my very ill spell, moving forward slightly.
I’m trying hard to address my loneliness. I’m cool with being alone – social interaction exhausts me for all sorts of reasons, but I’m finding myself slipping into feeling lonely. The less I go out, the less I want to see anyone, and my confidence fades and blunders about. Even my speaking voice seems odd to me sometimes, I’m so unused to hearing it. I find myself wanting to ask for support, but losing my nerve and swallowing words back down.
I’m hoping a short online course I’ve started will help, both with interaction and creative flow. It’s all about approaching writing with a beginner’s mind – getting away from the feeling that I have to achieve success, and reach the holy grail of being published on paper, or even being paid for my poems. I’ve fallen into the trap of trying to prove myself (easily done when one’s confidence is low) and spend so much time trying to get approval that I do precious little actual writing. It’s hard to avoid, especially when my twitter feed is full of happy cries of success. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.
So these steps are slow, they are small, and they are still fairly painful, but they are steps, and I do feel less trapped by my health. Being able to get up, get dressed and sit at my computer is something I’ve not been able to do for weeks, so being able to manage a whole half hour or so is fab.