Year three

I’m at the start of my third year of writing “seriously” and my seventh year of having M.E.. I feel less than terrific about both of these things. If I compare to this time last year, when I was merrily writing travel pages, and confidently submitting here, there and everywhere, things feel considerably less buoyant. I feel considerably less buoyant. Sinkable, in fact.

I’m trying to muster positivity, but the bare fact is M.E. is limiting my life. It feels kind of good to say that out loud.And kind of awful. I try to downplay the impact and try to “be positive” but my reality is that I have about four useful hours each day. I frequently go over those, sometimes deliberately, sometimes through guilt, and very occasionally because I’m having too much fun to stop. Then my body makes me. No option. I’m on day five of my post Christmas crash. This year’s festive period was particularly tricky, and I’m not surprised I’m so ill. I’m just sick of being sick. There’s so much I want to do, and so much that needs to be done to try to make things better, lying at home feels both privileged and pathetic.

How to regain hope then? I’m struggling to find the answer. I’ve a nagging feeling that I need to calm down, stop pushing and start enjoying the minutes of wellness that I have. Ha. It’s impossible. I love the ups and downs and adrenaline. Recognising what is important is the hardest thing. Perfection is subjective, and my lens changes every five minutes. Mostly I need to rest, but while body has a way of just “stopping” my mind won’t quit, and I can’t even divert myself by reading or watching a good film. Or a terrible film. Even Gone with the Wind has failed to distract.

I usually end these moany posts with a flash of perkiness, but in all honesty I haven’t got one. I am writing again. I just need to regrow my skin.

Thanks for reading, and any hints and tips are gratefully received x

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Published by Kathryn Anna

Kathryn is a writer based in Shropshire. She writes short fiction, flash fiction and poetry. She has no formal education in creative writing but she reads every poetry book she can get her hands on, and enjoys various online writing groups and courses. Kathryn has M.E., which brings its own challenges to her working practice, and means she has to monitor her activity with great care. Despite the frustration of these limitations she has reached her goal of having work published, thanks to support from Nine Arches Press Dynamo mentoring scheme. Kathryn has work published or forthcoming in print magazines like Mslexia, Popshot Quarterly and The Dawntreader and online in places like Words for the Wild, Nine Muses Poetry, Sledgehammer and Riggwelter Press. She was longlisted for the 2019 Fish prize for short fiction, and Paper Swans Press single poem prize in 2020. Kathryn is a columnist for Spelt Magazine, and has recently been awarded a micro bursary from Raven Studios in Shrewsbury to work on a new pamphlet. She also accepts private commissions under the moniker Poems from the Hare. When her health allows, Kathryn works as a freelance copywriter and can write confidently across a range of subjects, including travel, food, literature, hospitality and customer service. In addition to these core topics, excellent research skills means she can tackle subjects as diverse as muscle cars and dog training. She takes on proofreading and editing work as requested. You can find out more at her business site https://thewordemporium.wordpress.com/ Kathryn loves language and its persuasive power. Most of all she loves to write.

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