but I appear to be having a break. I’ve got to be honest, I felt like a failure having to step down from my poet in residence role, and it’s left me wondering which way to go. I’m acutely aware that I’m not comfortable in that kind of corporate environment where cash is the driver of decisions. I’m also acutely aware that bills have to be paid, and the money has to come from somewhere. I’m not so acutely aware of how to balance the two. I do feel the curtailment of the role will turn out to be a good thing. After all, I can still write from the research I was able to do, and I won’t have the worry of it meeting committee approval. The whole situation has made me realise I was falling into my old trap of trying to compromise my values in a vain effort to please everyone. This rarely works, and just leaves me frustrated, unhappy, and feeling a bit cheap.
On this basis I’ve decided to take some time out.. I’ve a lot of work in circulation which I won’t hear about until January, plus December brings the highs and lows of festivities which need careful management from an M.E. point of view. It feels like the right time to withdraw for a month or so and come back refreshed in the new year.
My progress is painfully slow, but I finish this year with five published pieces, as well as knowing I’ve had the courage to give something a go. Those of you who know me well will know how hard it is for me to enter an arena of potential failure and judgement, and anyone who produces creative work, be it a great meal, beautiful paintings or slightly obscure poems, will know that feeling of trepidation that comes with launching into the public domain.
Thank you all for your support, interaction on social media and genuine interest. It never fails to amaze me. I hope I’m the first to wish you a Happy Christmas, and all the very best for the New Year.
You are not at all a failure. You have done many amazing published pieces and much, much more that you don’t publicly share. I had no idea that being a poet in residence would have corporate constraints. Seems a bit of a contradiction? Any way, enjoy your break and try not to be so hard on yourself. You are brilliant and inspiring. X
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