A fish near the water

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I woke up today

Somedays that’s enough. Somedays being a writer has to be chased.

I had great intentions yesterday, to revamp this blog, to make it more professional, more like the blogs of proper writers. I sat down to start, ready to delete and reinvent.

I stopped. I don’t think I want to do that. One of the gifts of being declared “unfit for work” (there aren’t many, I get them where I can) has been escaping the corporate cloaks I wore. They itched and rumpled and tripped me up. I liked not pretending for a while. That’s a luxury though isn’t it ? Stepping away from the plan. So I feel I have to step back in, seek to be a successful writer, to justify my being here. Like the falling tree in the forest.

What is the goal ? The thing is I’ve never known. I’m often asked what the aim of writing is. So I have to make a goal. But I’ve never been good with goals. I set them, obsess about them. Lose my way and my reason for starting. Of course there has to be a purpose. Of course I know I’m privileged to be doing this. Of course. But I am writing because I want to write. I’ve never been a career chaser. I’ve forced myself into it,crammed my brain full of S.M.A.R.T. targets and plans,tried to harness the competitive spirit (which just turns to bitterness inside me) . I did that for twenty years and despised myself.

I’m not saying it has to be pure art. I’m not under illusions that money doesn’t have to be made (that’s why I spend many hours writing product descriptions of bathroom panels). I’m just not sure if seeking a structured successful writing career is right for me right now. I know I’ll tie myself up in polishing and primping without anything to really polish or primp. I want to be valid. I want to be more than the clichéd middle aged woman writing about trees. But I don’t want to slip in to quirky, brightly coloured clothing that fits as badly as my smart black suit, polish corporate pixie boots and carry important documents in my artisan bag. Getting around is difficult. A half hour car journey leeches energy. I could get to a poetry event, but then I’m so fogged I can’t talk to anyone, and come away feeling even more detached and welded to the edge than before I went. I love hearing about community writing projects. If I could pick any goal for my writing that would be it. Old me has ideas and drive and how things could happen. New me has to constantly consider “what if”. Mostly, I want to write beautifully. And I’m wondering if that is enough.

Only I can decide, I know, but it’s tricky. I’d like your feedback on this, if you’ve got a second. Do you think this blog is too personal ? Should I make it more internet friendly by focusing on the achievements rather than the tricky bits ? Is it any more than a vanity project. Do I want it to be ?

6 Comments

  1. Sidharth says:

    Yes such kinda paradox plagued me at one point of time as well but based on my personal experience I would suggest stay true to yourself and let the emotions flow. The true magic unravels when the emotions are like an impulsive storm of honest feelings. According to your convenience please do read some of my writings would love to know what you think about them! Wishing nothing but the best for your blog, i hope it blossoms like a beautiful rose ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. HFKGlobal says:

    Remember what the great Billy Joel says ‘Don’t go changing to try and please me … ‘

    Liked by 1 person

  3. AmandaWW says:

    Not being a writer myself, I relate to your blog as a fellow creative (I hate that word but I can’t come up with anything better) struggling to live a meaningful life within the limitations imposed by my health. It’s a highly variable journey, so for me, it’s really valuable to read your experiences. They encourage and teach me different ways to think. Just today you made me realise that for me, it’s not so much one road with one destination (goal) as it is a much longer trip, stopping at various destinations (goals) on the way and maybe taking detours and diversions that appeal along the way. For me, I have to do whatever I need to do to give my life meaning. HTH

    Liked by 1 person

    1. KathrynAnna says:

      Thank you Amanda, that’s a really helpful way of looking at it. I tend to get fixated, and forget to enjoy what I’m doing. Wise words x

      Like

  4. Hannah Bufton says:

    Not too personal at all . Has someone said that to you ? X

    Sent from my iPhone

    Like

    1. KathrynAnna says:

      A couple a “well meaning” musings, but nothing too huge. I’m more concerned that I seem unprofessional I suppose. But on the other hand, I am 😁

      Like

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